#and the therapist also asked us to describe each other

[f1owermoon]

thinking abt the ways ive heard people describe me and going 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹💘💘💘💘💘🫶🫶🫶🫶

[gxlden-angels]

Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)

It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.

I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.

It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great

[awkwardarmadildo]

to add on to the humans are space orcs/earth is the universe's australia, sensing. my therapist has recently explained that its not normal the way i know who and where someone is by their footsteps. not just the sound, but the vibrations. if someone isnt purposely walking on light feet, i can tell who and where they are, even with headphones blaring. imagine a human on a ship and the awe-filled terror itd earn from their non-human crewmates.

edit: ive realized i wasnt clear enough in my intentions. im not saying "if you can tell peoples footsteps apart, youve been ✨️ T R A U M A T I Z E D ✨️ d-(^♡^)-b ". its about the inherent panic in Not hearing the steppies and therefore Not having the time to prepare yourself for whoever might be approaching and essentially being ambushed. also, being able to tell if someone is normalTM, happy, sad, et cetera. the combined terror of not being given time to make oneself "presentable" for whoevers coming, And Also whoever has just seemingly teleported is fucking pissed, which is never good. Anyways, enjoy!!! ＼(^o^)／

Gilith enters the library, searching for Human Raven. They seem to be found most often either here or in one of the many gardens on the ship. Human Alex said he'd likely find them here today.

Gilith pokes his head through the doorway, not seeing Human Raven, but before he can move on, a voice calls out from one of the high-backed chairs decorating the library.

"Hello Lithy, what do you need?"

Gilith sputters, "Wha- Human Raven, how did you know it was me?" Gilith makes his way over to the chair that held Human Raven in a twisted knot that, when Human Raven stood up, would surely leave a horrifying crunch Human Alex had likened to a human candy that exploded in one's mouth.

"You've got some loud stompers, Lithy."

"I do not know what that means, Human Raven."

Raven stands, causing Gilith to flinch at many snaps and crackles of their bones settling into place, and smiles up at his towering form.

"What did you need?"

Gilith notices more and more Human Raven's greetings. He thought maybe they could hear him coming, but they greeted him while wearing ear speakers, the volume so loud, Gilith could hear it from a few feet away.

Humans did not have psychic skills, and the only other human who seemed capable of a preemptive greeting was Human Alex. The two seemed to share all of their off-hours, so maybe that was where he could find his answers.

Gilith scoured the many gardens, stopping just outside of the doorway. He could hear Human Alex and Human Raven chattering to each other, but neither seemed to notice his presence.

In an attempt not to disturb them, he walked with what Human Bea had described as "tip-toes". A challenging feat, considering his round flat feet, but he managed.

Both Human Raven and Human Alex had their backs to him, so he coughed in the same way Human Bea often did to get everyone's attention.

The reaction he got was unexpected when both Human Raven and Human Alex flinched so hard their shoulders seemed to lock.

"My apologies! I didn't mean to startle you," he rushed over, but stopped short when they both flinched again. He recoiled his hand.

"It's ok, Lithy," Raven says, voice slightly choked. "Just give us a sec."

"Oh. Okay." Gilith turned his eyes down.

"What-" Alex started, his voice sounding as though it was rubbed raw. He cleared his throat and tried again. "What can we do for you, Gilith?"

"I did not have anything specific to talk to you about. I wanted to..." he trails off. "I wanted to inform you of the new plants we are picking up at the next trade planet."

Gilith feels his face twist with the lie, but now didn't seem like a good time to ask.

His desire to understand, however, doesn't fade after the incident. It only makes his hunger grow.

Instead of bothering Human Alex or Human Raven, Gilith decides to ask Human Bea, who does not sense him before he greets her.

"Hello, Human Bea."

"Yes, hello, Gilith. Is everything okay?"

"I have question."

Bea tilts her head. "Ask away."

"Are you- humans- able to detect someone before you see them?"

Bea's face softens into an aching sort of frown. "Not naturally."

"What do you mean?"

She takes a breath, seemingly preparing herself. "Well, most people are able to live in a relatively safe place. But some people aren't as lucky. Some people have to memorize the falls of others' feet. It's a learned survival tactic."

"I don't understand," Gilith says, his face wrinkling in confusion.

"Some people aren't safe, so for the ones who weren't born with the good luck of a safe home, they have to know who and where someone is. They have to know if they need to hide or prepare themself. They have to know if they're in danger or not."

Gilith feels his whole body go slack as a wave of sadness washes over him at the memory of Human Raven and Human Alex's reaction to his sudden appearance.

"I have loud stompers."

Bea's face scrunches up as though she's trying not to laugh. "You do. You have safe stompers, too."

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I came out as transfem to my friends a couple months ago, but every now and then I feel like I'm faking it. But when I'm called by my preferred name, my heart starts racing and I get a little smile.

Is this a normal thing?

Lee says:

Experiencing feelings of doubt or questioning like you're "faking it" can be part of the process for many people as they explore their gender identity.

This doesn't invalidate your experiences or your identity; sometimes it's a reflection of navigating a complex personal journey within a society that has rigid norms about gender.

Having doubts is normal, and many people who come out as trans continue to identify as trans throughout their lives, even if they initially had some discomfort getting used to their new identity and occasionally felt like they were faking it.

There are also some folks who feel like they're faking it and while they may not be intentionally faking an identity, that kernel of discomfort and wrongness may be a clue that something isn't quite right yet, whether it's their particular label, their gender expression, their pronouns, or their feelings about the gender roles they feel pressure to inhabit. I'm not saying that this is the case for you-- it seems like it likely isn't-- but I do feel that it's also important to acknowledge that not everyone who questions their gender will ultimately identify as transgender.

There should be no shame in questioning your gender, trying on new labels for a while, even coming out to friends to see how it feels to use the new label/pronouns/name, etc but ultimately reidentifying. The process of exploring one's gender identity is deeply personal and unique to each individual and there's nothing wrong with someone realizing that they aren't trans after all.

I'm writing all of that because I think this type of ask is often sent by folks wanting to know whether what they're feeling is normal because they're seeking reassurance that they're trans.

But we're not really here to reassure you that you're trans. We don't know you! Only you know your gender. If I tried to reassure you by saying "oh yeah I know for sure that you're trans, don't worry!" it would be beyond my scope as someone who is not-you.

I can tell you that it's normal to feel that way, that many other trans folks have felt that way, and that you will find your path eventually. It can be hard to figure it all out, but don't stress! Everyone always seems to have this super big sense of internal urgency, but it's okay to not be 100% certain of your gender identity, and to feel that way for months or even years.

Be patient with yourself. Understanding your gender identity is a journey, and it's okay to take your time. There's no rush to figure everything out immediately or to fit into any particular box. Trust yourself, and allow your journey to unfold in a way that feels authentic to you. All that being said, your current identity is valid, regardless of whether it shifts over time.

It's super common to have feelings of doubt and wrongness and feelings of faking it at the start of a transition, and that doesn't necessarily have to overshadow the joy and happiness that you experience when you're called by your preferred name. That gender euphoria you described is super real!

Seeking support can be incredibly helpful. This might include talking to friends who understand and support your journey, joining support groups for people exploring their gender identity, or finding a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues. These resources can provide a space to discuss your feelings, explore your identity, and receive support from others who have had similar experiences. Your feelings and experiences are real, and they deserve acknowledgment and respect.

Anons say:

(See follow-up post here!)

[erisweekofficial]

Tonight we're highlighting @chairofchaos!

🔥 Choas is a masterful Azris writer that has our hearts in her hands. If you're looking for something delightfully angsty or heartfelt (or both), look no further than her writing.

Although all of her work is amazing, we're currently crying over Letters of Love, which details Eris and Azriel falling in love and their relationship over time. Definitely get some tissues for this one. 😭😭And if you can't take our word for it take one of her fans:

The Letters of Love series has me spellbound in a way I can not describe. The love, the angst, the writing! I will forever cherish it. Chaos is truly a wonderful writer even if she is chaotic and I will devour this series until the end of time.

Be sure to check out their masterlist, including this Azris drabble!

Read on to learn some of Chaos's favorite Eris headcanons and which national/regional park Eris would get lost and die (or not die) in.

yes. we asked this.

Give us a name for one of Eris’ Brothers

James (so that he can use the “Um. James…” TikTok sound. A modern Eris would secretly have a TikTok. Super secret, but he would have one). Also, a relatively modern name simply because I’m tired of trying to get my word processor to recognize the validity of “Eris” and “Feyre” and even “Elain.” (No, do not add an “e”. I said, DO NOT ADD AN “E”!)

Give us a name for one of Eris’ hounds

Butter. Eris named him as a child because the hound liked to steal things off the kitchen counter, and the first thing he ever stole was a stick of butter. Eris got in a little trouble for it, so the official story is that his fur was lighter than is typical for a smokehound, and smooth like butter. The truth is that he fell in love with the little thief, and wanted to commemorate that first occurrence of thievery. It was a subtle act of rebellion on Eris’ part, and the chef was not pleased when he heard.

Give us some of your favorite Eris headcanons!

Eris is the family secret keeper. His mother tells him things. Lucien tells him things. His other brothers don’t mean to tell him things, but they drop hints and he’s smart enough to put things together. He goes unnoticed by adults as a young person, and is able to gather more information than anyone thought was possible. In doing so, he accidentally positions himself as knowledgeable on many family and court matters he probably shouldn’t even have known about in the first place. People also have a habit of just sharing things with him at random times, so he knows a considerable amount about each of the family guards, the Autumn Council, and their families. He’s a favorite with the court gossips because he will listen. He will rarely contribute, but he will always listen. As a result, everyone in court believes he is on their side. How this will play out when he is High Lord, Eris has no idea. For now, he’s happy hearing their tales of woe. Lord Cherry’s son eloped with the royal groundskeeper who taught Eris how to garden? Eris is absolutely shocked! Of course, he was the one who gave them a carriage to go to Spring, but Lord Cherry doesn’t need to know that.

Who scares Eris the most?

Eris is most scared of himself. I saw a post just the other day where a person told their therapist they were worried they would destroy everything, and their therapist told them they didn’t have that kind of power. They found it helpful because knowing you don’t have the power to change huge things in rage helped them. The difference here is that Eris has that kind of power by his proximity to societal power and his literal powers. He can destroy everything that matters to him if he is careless enough, and that terrifies him. He fears he would be powerful enough to change the world, and wishes he did not have that amount of power, because he has seen first hand how power corrupts. Outside of himself, he is most scared of Lucien. Lucien has more power than he could even imagine, and Eris isn’t sure his brother knows. At the same time, he fears the day Lucien discovers Eris knew, and that Lucien will never forgive him for keeping the knowledge to himself.

What kind of father does Eris imagine he would be, and does that differ from his actual father?

Eris imagines himself to be a brutal, unyielding, possibly even abusive father, as Beron was. He has never known a loving father, and while he believes it is theoretically possible, he looks in the mirror and sees Beron staring back at him. In every way possible, Beron has shaped Eris to be unforgiving, unyielding, brutal, and cruel. Eris worries that he will become Beron if he has children. It takes someone telling him that his worries and fear of becoming his father are what can keep him from becoming Beron. He needs a lot of support to feel confident enough that it is possible in order to become a father at all. Once he has that support, I think he does everything he can to be a better father than the one he had.

What national/regional park would Eris get lost and die (or not die) in?

Eris is dying in Petrified Forest National Park as we speak. He’s dying of heat related injuries and sun exposure. That male was not made for the desert. Fire powers cannot save you from the Arizona sun.

[katetorias]

Hi :D

Sorry for the anon ask, I'm too shy to ask on your Instagram story whenever you do a qna. I've been wondering what it feels like to be (part of) a system. I can't quite imagine what that must be like and I'm just super curious about it

One of my most burning questions has been: how does it feel to just come into existence as a new alter? You said that Prom is still a fairly new addition and I honestly can't imagine what that must feel like and how someone wouldn't know they were a system after that.

Also how does it feel to be an alter that isn't the host? Does it feel shitty to not be out as much and to be considered "somebody's alter" instead of their own person?

Feel free to ignore this if you're uncomfortable with it. Also love your art of you and your fiancé, so cute!!

since systems are formed due to the unique trauma the specific system went through, we can only really talk on our experiences. since people react to trauma differently, systems (an extreme trauma response), all form differently and have different ways they fit into the diagnostic criteria for these disorders.

im going to answer your question in a long format below^^

• for context: we are bodily 22, and we've been receiving psych care since we were around 11/12. our therapeutic progress has always been stagnant because after we left the situation we were in, we had almost completely blocked out everything that happened. so we had nothing to tell our therapists and we didn't feel comfortable talking with them. we were often dissociated and would just answer questions shortly while staring at the ground instead of engaging.

because of our lack of progress/seeming lack of effort, our mom stopped taking us to therapy and psychiatrist appointments. she thought it was a waste of time and probably saw our mental illness as misbehaving/not caring enough to try to be happy. this kept us from having proper psych care for years. we would occasionally get called to the counselor's office in school and at some point we had to start missing school for therapy again. college had us losing that support and flunking out because of the dissociation/suicidality. we only finally got access to meds after i had to go outpatient, and we've been with our therapist since.

• how we didn’t notice: due to this we had no knowledge that our experiences weren't normal. our mental health has been neglected for years and we had no way of knowing what was happening with us because we had no basis as to understand. we have a gap in our memory from a little after we left our situation to early high school. our friend always says we knew each other in middle school and talked, but we don't remember enough of those years. amnesia can show up in a lot of different ways. we've only experienced two noticeable black outs, the rest is gradual. not remembering things soon after they happened, being told we said things we didn't remember saying, being unable to describe important events in our lives, vaguely knowing what happened but not remembering the experience.

• on forming: When I (Prompto) formed, we had just flunked out of college and were forced to start working. Me and my fiancé were just starting our relationship and were playing my source. My source was a fat child who experienced bullying and parental neglect, being left alone and friendless for years, feeling like he has to change his weight to be liked. We really couldn't handle having a job. we were clinging and desperately coping by consuming my source. Eventually I started feeling like I was confusing things that happened in game with things that happened to me, and my real life memories from years, or even just months before didn't feel familiar. This was frightening, I would cry to Noctis about how I was feeling, how I couldn't remember anything before our road trip (event in source). But we didn't have any resources to explain, I thought I was being weird and childish.

Because of the stress of this job we had, I would spend most of our time in a heightened state, anxious or dreading the next days. Jack (who formed in our childhood to take care of us and our little brother when we’d be left alone) started resurfacing again after being gone for years. Our brain was trying to protect us, but I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt different. Sometimes it felt like I would just leave. I started being told that I was saying things I didn’t agree with again. Jack felt miserable trying to force himself to be me. This conflict and pain was the reason we ended up outpatient, and a few months after came to terms with the fact that we were a system.

• on what it’s like to not be the host: for us we don’t really refer to ourselves as “someone’s” alters since we don’t really have a collective identity (discounting the body we act like). I’ve been making an effort to accommodate everyone, and make sure we get the time we want in the body or just have things that are our own. (Making space for their things/interests. Setting times for specific people to have a chance to front)

This is Nathan’s perspective since he’s been fronting more often lately:

- I actually used to hate being an alter. i felt frustrated that I got torn away from my shitty life to just be part of someone else’s. I didn’t want to exist in the system at all. our body isn’t mine. im skinny and im covered in healing SH scars, and im not hairy and i have short hair, im cis. i used to hate fronting. I would actively wish i could just disappear. it didn’t seem like me being around was helping anyone. dissociation sucked and I would pick fights with our fiancé. im pretty much the only one of us who gets full flashbacks, and i fucking hate looking at stuff for my source online because everyone hates me. or ignores the story to justify hating me instead of just. hating me for what’s actually in source.

we talked with our therapist and eventually i started coming to therapy and she treated me like my own person. she made sure to create a distinction between my feelings about something and Prompto’s. she told me to create a thing i could do instead of be angry which is why i would usually front. Prompto put a lot of effort into making me feel comfortable. it’s like pri could tell how sensitive I actually am. pri designated a corner of our apartment to me and got me decorations pri thought i would like. i got to make my own instagram. It felt good to be myself. when i wasnt forcing myself to be prompto i felt more content. the more i could express myself as a person the easier it was to communicate with the system, i struggled less with memory and i think were less dissociated now than ever because prompto made such an effort to acknoledge us as our own selves.

sorry for the long answer but you asked so not sorry I guess lol. prompto probably had a better closing statement but I don’t really give a fuck. thx for the question

[itskattkm]

New York New Rules Pt. 3

Warnings: Violence, Trauma, Fluff, maybe Smut, mental health, blood

Summary: Y/N meets the survivors of the last events in Woodsborrow and gets on Ghostface's list. But there is also a darkness in Y/N wich path is she going to choose

Female Y/N x Tara Carpenter

Sorry for bad writing. I'm using a translator and hope you guys can enjoy it. Also, this is going to be a long story

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

My body began to vibrate, or rather my head when I leaned it against the window of the taxi. So let's start reflecting on the day as it went so far.

Missed therapy hour because my therapist was brutally murdered. Check.

Shit... it would take me months until I find a new one.

What happened next? I closed my eyes and played the pictures in my head through like a movie.

Been accused for murder? Check.

Have been exposed and embarrassed In front of your girl crush and her sister? Check.

Surprising meeting with Kirby? Check.

Pursued by paparazzis and "interviewed" by Gale weathers? Check.

Witness to Tara punching Gale Weathers? Check.

Was I slightly turned on by it? Double Check.

"Y/N you're good?" A soft voice brought me back. I opened my eyes and had to blink slightly because of the unexpected brightness around me. I nodded silently and looked for the eyes of the taxi driver in the rear-view mirror. I put my hand on the passenger seat and pulled slightly forward, which is why Tara who sat between me and Sam pushed herself closer to Sam to give me the place I needed. "Hey you can let me out at Pompeii Pizza" he nodded to me but now Sam bent down in front "Y/N you can't go now you have to come with us" there was that shy me I knew so good. I probably would have done anything she said, but right now? Now I felt numb. Not present. And I didn't care.

No matter what happened yesterday. No matter what happened today. I just had to go home and hide in my room. It was one thing to become suspicious for several murders but to be exposed in front of almost complete strangers and to be claimed as a crazy woman with mental problems? And on top of that in front of your crush. That was too much for me.

Although Detective Bailey had exposed me to the two and they knew now more about me than I would have liked to let them know, I asked myself the question

Why do you want me to come with you?

"Why?" I asked confused

"Apart from the fact that you are a suspect, we have to talk to the others about it. Mindy wants us all to meet at the Blackmoore," she said and her eyes darkened. Although they didn't seem particularly inviting at the moment, I recognized something soothing in them.

"So you believe what Bailey said?" I asked and did not seem as strong as I had hoped. My voice was getting quieter and quieter. Maybe we didn't know each other so well, and I was just a friend of Mindy but did they really believe that I was behind it?

"Where were you during the bodega attack?" Said Tara cautions.

Confused, my gaze met hers. No, I wasn't confused. I was hurt. Her look was cold. Anger could be seen in her dark eyes, but the way she pulled her eyebrows together told me that there was something else, but what?

"Pompeii Pizza" said the driver and stopped.

Exhausted, I took a look and sighed. I shook my head when I opened the door of the taxi and got out.

"Y/N!"

I ignored it. Did Tara really think I was behind it? I didn't like the way she looked at me. As if I were a monster... the cars on the street were getting louder and louder for me. The measurements of people who were on the streets. Confused, I looked at the floor as I slowly went to the pizzeria.

And there they were at once. A few minutes before, I felt numb and now. Now there were too many feelings. I tried to arrange it in my head like a riddle. But I couldn't see anything. Too many letters. No words. I clenched my hands into fists to feel something I could describe. Then there was this sting. A continuous stitch. I had pressed my nails firmly into my palms so tightly that my knuckles turned white. Now I asked myself. What does that feel like?

After resensood.

Pressure a pressure that did not want to disappear.

And then the letters in my head came together and the word pain appeared before my eyes.

"Y/N wait!" I was grabbed by my shoulder and expected to be abruptly turned over. However, I was surprised and that of Sam. She sighed and slowly stood in front of me, so that I was forced to look at her. I was forced not to go any further.

"I was also a patient at Dr. Stone"

With widened eyes, I looked at her and a short smile escaped her lips when she agreed to my expression with a nodding head. "Believe me when I tell you that I can imagine how you feel. But you also have to understand-"

She looked over my shoulder to see Tara. However, I did not follow her gaze. As Tara had looked at me earlier... I never wanted to see these eyes again. That look in them. It made me feel so vulnerable and anxious. I already had it so hard to keep in touch with the people around me, but I tried to stand by. And with Tara, well it won't be difficult for me to ignore her in the near future.

At least that's what I thought

"After what we've been through, it's difficult for us with new people... and how fucked that sounds, but that's what Bailey said are very violent coincidences Y/N and if we should trust you... then you have to prove it to us"

Now I felt a different feeling.

Incomprehension

"Why should I do that?"

Surprised, Sam looked at me and straightened up. She probably didn't expect this answer.

"Sam, I am not part of your group. I'm just a friend of Mindy's"

I looked at the pizzeria and looked into the eyes of my own reflection Why do I looked so sad?

"As much as I wish it would be different, but even for Mindy I am just an acquaintance from the courses we have in common. And we both know Mindy, she is also very careful when it comes to new people. After she told me about Ghostface because it was a short topic in our course and not because she told me as a friend, I knew, okay. This friendship is nothing more than an an acquaintance, so why should I care Sam?" My legs were moving. I lightly bumped Sam on her shoulder to go past her but she grabbed me tightly by my arm and moved us so that I had to meet her eyes and my back faced the pizzeria.

"Because you care," she said bright. Confused, I looked at her. Her look was gentler than before and there was this glow.

"You may feel alone. And maybe you are... but you care. No matter how bad you are feeling. How the people around you are doing... you are someone who can feel how others are doing. And as much as you sometimes have to struggle with the darkness... you still care. Even if it hurts"

Why did it feel like a description of herself?

Were we both more similar than knew? I mean, we both went to the same therapist, maybe there was something to it. But what was Sam's problem? Also aggression? Mindy had never told me in detail what happened to all of them back then. She just said that the stab movies are based on true events and the murders of last year? Well she and her friends were involved.

Of course, I had watched all the stab films afterwards, but I couldn't imagine what must have happened to them.

"Go home. Take your time. But I hope that you come to the Blackmoore and try to find an answer for all this, together with us. You don't want to be a suspect, do you? So why not find out who is really behind it?"

She gave me a slight smile and left. Even after the taxi drove away, I was still starring on the same spot. Where did I get in there?

Damn Samantha Carpenter...

These feelings which you and your sister leave me behind are too much for me.

[napakmahal]

“ Did all this happen because I left?”

Pause girlies because this is actually kinda serious. I just got out of a depressive episode and just really wanted to give the depression girlies a lil treat. Remember: you need other people in your life when you have depression. Make friends not resources. I love y’all (angst)

How can something be so painful yet so numb at the same time? The human brain is one of the most complex systems in the universe, aside from the universe itself. How it can feel so many polar opposite things simoultaniouly, and in that creating an entire civil war within itself. How could the brain, the thing meant to be in charge with your care and wellbeing one day just decide to decrease its own activity and make you miserable? It was the worlds greatest betrayal.

You’d been lying in your bed for the past week, and you might have gotten up twice a day. Once to use the bathroom and the other to get some food and bring it right back to your bed. Everyone said it wasn’t a big deal because you were young and you were probably just in a bad mood because of your hormones. Hormones were evil enough to suction blood from your reproductive organs (usually) once a month, they couldn’t possibly be cruel enough for this.

On your overheated and whirling computer was an endless loop of lousy reality T.V shows you’d watched over and over. There’s been therapists that have said that in these times of depressive episodes, you should revert back to adding some life and movement back into your brain. Which meant doing things like crossword puzzles, working out, math games, and reading 200+ page books. All things that you could totally do and things you liked to do. But not right now. Now all you wanted was junk food and shitty TLC shows. Not some slow burn, or some huge mystery TV show that required you to remember tiny details from the beginning of the season. Reality TV was entertaining, effortless, and on loop but you’d be lying if you said everytime you heard the freaky eaters intro a little more of your brain died.

That’s the funny thing about depression. Because even though you can feel yourself slipping and drowning in total misery, there’s nothing anyone can do to save you. So you get stuck in this endless loop of self detructive behavior hoping that the pain you experience on the outside is enough to kill the thing on the inside.

You were clinically depressed, and nothing nobody did was ever going to change that. But these episodes weren’t always like this. For a while, episodes were bearable. Your ‘friend’ made them better.

You’d known Hiro for a while, meeting him on the downtown bus during sunset on a spring saturday. You thought he was cool, he thought you were pretty. But the whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing seemed uncomfortable and the labels meade things weird.

Granted you were each others first kiss. The two of you had tried to convince each other it was just because you got asked out to your eighth grade formal and you wanted to be prepared. It also didn’t help much that the more you described the dude that asked you out, the more Hiro wished he hadn’t skipped all those grades.

You never told anyone about that. Sure you could say it was a one time thing but it was hard to use that as a defense when you’d made out with him because you were bored under the dock near the beach during the summer carnival, and when you were just playing video games in his room, and when you were sitting on the steps of the museum of Japanese artifacts while sharing a soda, and the time you two were at the skatepark after it closed and you two were making out- only except that time he’d taken off his jacket.

Sure you were both fifteen but you watched people make out in the hallways at school everyday. Kissing didn’t seem like this massive thing. Hiro grew up isolated from the true highschool experience, he didn’t know. All he knew was that making out with you was cool and pretending he only did it because he was bored (and not because he would swear on his teen hormones that he loved you) was even cooler.

His aunt and brother had liked to tease you for it, but that’s all it was: teasing. The two of you would never live down the torment you’d likey face if they found out about your “I’m bored, let’s make out” sessions.

Speaking of, your mom didn’t really know you and Hiro were like that. She was only partly sure you liked him and you only thought that because one day after she caught you being particularly smiley that night after having him over to stream a new song she came into your room, played with your hair and said: “So you and Hiro are friends? That’s nice, he’s seems nice. Just, make sure he doesn’t make it worse.”

That was also kind of a silly depression thing: People and their influence could make it worse for you, others, and even themselves. Bad influence already makes bad people, but bad influence on people with depression tends to make them miserable, desperate, and self loathing.

But contrary to what your mom had said, Hiro didn’t make it worse. He made it better and she would soon figure that out after you’d tried texting him multiple times despite knowing he was at an expo outside the city. And he’d respond as fast as he could with the best messages, but when he’d go dead silent for almost ten hours each day it just dampened your mood. You’d kept reminding yourself not to be selfish, that your lack of ability to be happy shouldn’t stop people from living their lives. But from the hours of 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. you were left with no friend and a fat headache.

——————————————————————————

The intro to a show you couldn’t remember the name of played for the tenth time that day, drying out your eyes and causing an endless headache. You were surprised you hadn’t at least gotten a stomach ache from all the Tylenol you’d been taking. Someone knocked at your closed bedroom door before gently opening it.

“Y/n,” Your mom squinted through the darkness of your closed blinds and at the glowing computer screen. “There’s someone here to see you.”

With your back faced to her you couldn’t say anything other than a low, “Oh.”

She left for a bit as you continued to lay there, helpless almost dead. Thinking about death is something everyone does up to a certain extent. Questions like: How will I die? What comes next? Are ghosts real? All normal.

But when you and people like you thought about death it wasn’t like when other people thought about death.

Suddenly, your door creaked open and you didn’t even have the energy to look back but you just knew. Hiro had looked around at your depression room and sighed. He hadn’t even been around you for more than thirty seconds and he already wanted to cry. This was bad- so bad. The boy gently crept up to your bed and sat down. You felt the dent of his body in your mattress and still didn’t move.

“How are you?” His voice was quiet.

You responded barely above a whisper, “Fine.”

“When’s the last time you left this room?”

You didn’t even reply. At that moment, breathing was too much work. Having to think about the air going through your lungs and exhaling it out was a chore.

Hiro leaned over your body and shut the laptop closed before moving it off your head and placing his body in it’s spot. You two were now face to face, laying on your bed like the lovers of valdaro. It was bad this time and everyone knew it. Guilt had been eating him alive since he read the shift in your texts. How could he enjoy himself at this expo while you were there suffering?

“Did all of this happen because I wasn’t here?” He whispered.

You grabbed onto his hand. “No. I’ve always been like this.”

“Do you promise?”

“I swear it.”

“But it’s never been this bad before. If I was here then-”

“You couldn’t have done anything.” You cut him off. “Hiro I’ve been like this all my life. And you shouldn’t feel obligated to hold yourself back because I’m not normal.”

Once while playing around at the park at midnight you told Hiro that a therapist you had said these episodes will wax and wane. In the good there will be bad and in the bad there will be good. But there would never be moment where it would just be good. You’d be this way for the rest of your life, sad, in pain, and left with a feeling of mania and worthlessness. And there was nothing he could do about it.

“Do-” Hiro’s voice started to shake and a tear from my eye scurred across his face. “Do I at least make it any better?’

The thought of making it better by being there would in turn make him feel a little less guilty about not being able to be with you all the time.

For the first time in a week, you gave him a weak smile. No teeth, just lips. Before you leaned forward and gave him a prolonged kiss. In return, he brushed your hair from your face and started petting your head.

“Yes,” You whispered. “You do.”

[the-firefly-jar-system]

i'm really upset about the transandrophobia discourse right now. i am not a transmisogynist for acknowledging that i also face oppression, and i'm not playing as a victim for wanting a word to describe my oppression. i apologize in advance if this is rambly or hard to understand

i am a transmasc nonbinary teenager, as well as autistic. i am *easily* spotted as queer because of how i express myself as transmasc. i am especially a target because of the ear defenders i wear to help with my sensory issues.

i have been threatened, harassed, called slurs, misgendered on purpose, physically and verbally attacked, fetishized, and more. this has all happened before and after i stopped trying to 'pass' as a cis guy and also started accommodating my autism. i absolutely do not benefit from male privilege in any way, nor am i accepted as a 'real' male by my peers. almost every cis boy at my school wants nothing to do with me, and only after years of being in school with me they are able to talk to me like a person. i have been asked by parents and teachers if i actually want to use they/them instead of my preferred he/him or he/they because of how i present (this comes from a place of support, but only makes me feel dysphoric). i was taken off of puberty blockers because therapists didn't want to approve hrt for me, despite my diagnosis of gender dysphoria, as i have non-normative transition goals. i can't go into any gendered bathrooms because people know i'm not a woman (and i feel highly dysphoric in the woman's bathroom), and i feel incredibly unsafe and singled out in the men's bathroom. i'm not seen as a boy, just a nonbinary person (which i am, but not only) or a confused girl who wants to be special.

by the way, i live in a very progressive place. i have it good compared to a lot of other transmascs.

this is absolutely a widespread issue, and by ignoring or denying it you are making it so much easier for people to target us without repercussions. i understand that people want to move past this discourse, but we cannot move on and advocate for each other as a community if the oppression against all kinds of trans people isn't acknowledged properly as an issue. please see us: the oppression we face does not undermine your own oppression

[nozunhinged]

Things I loved about Wandee goodday ep 5 in no particular order

- sulky coffee yak

- the talk with Kao about the sleepless sleepwear. They don't have any shame or reluctance about how that experience made them feel, they talk openly and maturely about it I loved EVERY SECOND OF IT!!! THIS IS THE KINK TALK WE NEED!! I'm also 100000% convinced this is thanks to kaos amazing presence, dude was born to be a therapist

- sniff kisses

- yak helping Dee with his work no questions asked

- Taem and Dee actually bonding and being sweet to each other instead of Dee hating her guts irrationally (also Taem pretty)

- yak openly acknowledging how he already got used to cuddles and demanding them. Cuddles are indeed addicting

- Dee snuggling into him and putting his hand on yaks arm and yak subtly reacting to it, chefs kiss 😙👌

- idol grandma

- cher on yeis lap. It's like he was made to take his seat there it's amazing how perfectly they made that work

- chers little jealousy trip, it didn't feel bitchy or over the top you could feel he's just genuinely insecure and irrationally scared of losing yei

- yaks dorky smile, every single one

- the way you can slowly veeeery slowly witness Dee's reluctance for kissing yak crumble away, its amazing how the tension gets more intense and that it's actually Dee now who seems desperate to taste his boxer guy

- the whole banana conversation

- peepee pillow

- THE TOOTHBRUSHES

Gosh I love them so much. I love their domesticity and honesty and openness and genuine comfort with each other this is so rare and I don't even care what label they give themselves because what counts is how they enjoy being with each other and they will overcome those big fat obstacles waiting for them because they are already a team and I cannot describe how warm that makes me feel there will be some pain along the way but I just KNOW they will get through it TOGETHER UGH

[jaozendry]

"Loving you is hard sometimes": PART 2

Pairing: Damian Wayne x Bat Family!Reader

Reader: Gender Neutral, has been part of the Bat Family for a while.

TAGS: @aesthxticneko

PART 1

Type: Mild-angst

Warnings: swearing, blood, wounds

OTHER CHARACTERS: Dick Grayson

Summary: The both of you have been avoiding each other for a few weeks now. One day, Damian confronts you and challenges you to a "friendly" one-on-one. Due to his anger issues, Damian accidentally harms you badly. After recovery, Dick decides to make the both of you attend therapy.

______________________________________________________________

"So, who would like to start?" a blonde woman asks after taking a pen and opening her notebook. Damian sits across from you, crossing his arms. An awkward silence occurs for a few seconds. "Why do you think you're here?" she asks again. Damian turns to you, waiting for a response. "Well, I guess I'll start." you sigh, attempting to break the ice. "Well, I think we're here because of some issues the two of us have been having... with each other." you explain awkwardly while Damian stares at you weirdly. "Would you like to describe what those issues are?" the therapist asks, turning her attention towards your friend. He remains silent. "This is a safe place, Damian. We are here to help you resolve your problems." the woman explains. You look at your friend, crossing your arms as well. He looks back at you and rolls his eyes. "This is a waste of time." he grumbles. The woman sighs and goes through her notes.

"Well, Mr. Grayson filled me in a little about what happened during the last few weeks." she adds. "The two of you have stopped talking after a mission and after training, Y/N was found on the floor, bleeding, with a wound to the stomach." Damian immediately looks at the ground. "Would any one of you fill me in on what happened on the mission first?" Damian patiently waits for your answer once again. "I tried helping him out during the mission and he just wouldn't accept it, I guess. He says he doesn't need help with anything when he clearly does. I mean, he almost died on that mission before I intervened." The lady nods her head while listening to you and taking notes. "And, in the Batfamily, we do everything to help him out and he pretends like nothing ever happened. I guess I just had enough of his bullshit."

The therapist finishes writing her notes. "I see." she says. "How does that negligence affect you?" she asks you. "I guess it hurts me because he just doesn't notice the efforts I do for him, or anyone's, really." Damian finally speaks up: "Shut up! I do notice your efforts. They're just... unnecessary." he declares while looking at the floor. "I don't need any help. At all. Just accept it." You turn to him in disbelief. "Can you just accept that you do need help?!" you finally snap. "I've been pouring my heart out for you all these years and all I get in return is shit! You may be the grandson of Ra's al Ghul or even the son of Batman, but you're not invincible! Batman needs help, Ra's al Ghul needs help, everyone needs help! You just accept it!"

Damian rolls his eyes. "God, you're insufferable." he grumbles. You turn back to the therapist, fuming. She has a shocked expression on her face. "Well... I think it's better for all of us if we just end it here for today."

______________________________________________________________

"So, how'd it go?" Dick asks you while driving. "Terrible." you reply. "He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes." Dick laughs. "Yeah, true." he chuckles. You look at the window. "Does it still hurt?" Dick asks. "What? The wound or my feelings?" you ask him, still looking at the window. "The wound." he replies. "And also, can I ask what even happened in there? A nasty wound like that doesn't just grow overnight." You sigh. "Well, he wanted to spar after a few weeks of not talking. I went easy on him, but I guess he didn't. I don't know, kid has a lot of unresolved anger issues." You turn to Dick, tears in your eyes. "I can't take it anymore, Dick." You lean on your arm. "Am I doing something wrong?" Dick turns to you. "No, you aren't. Damian's just a little asshole sometimes." You wipe away your tears.

"God, why am I still in love with him?"

[nohoperadio]

Hey there, have you ever experienced that slightly eerie scenario in which someone shares thoughts strangely similar to yours? Every time this occurs in my life, I'm always instilled with a curious mixture of senses, including pride and fear, perhaps a dash of competitiveness. I oftentimes feel this way upon reading your posts, many of which I find highly entertaining (I disagree with the #uninteresting tag you frequently employ), and it puts me in some kind of awe of you. I understand that this is an extremely bizarre message to receive, but after much deliberation I decided that you needed to be informed. Thank you for the relatability, I suppose, and keep at it. -P.R.

Hey there, have you ever experienced that slightly eerie scenario in which someone shares thoughts strangely similar to yours?

Outside of books and the like I can only think of one person who’s given me this feeling strongly enough that I might call it “eerie”, although it’s probably relevant that I was still young enough at the time to assume I thought and felt more deeply than most other people such that encountering someone who was articulate and self-aware and willing to let me into their thoughts was a more humbling and thrilling and surprising experience than it could be in later life. (I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m accusing you of having this youthful attitude I’m describing, you’ve given me no reason to think that.) I think it’s also the case that “similar to me” is something I value a lot less in people than I used to, which is not to say it counts for nothing of course. In recent years I’ve encountered some people who are similar enough to me that we can successfully understand each other, which is still rare enough to feel a bit special.

On the other hand I lead an exceptionally lonely life by most people’s standards, maybe I’d have this experience more if there were more people I got close to enough to get a strong sense for how they think (there may be a chicken and egg question here though). I realize I’m straying quite far from the point of your ask here sorry

Every time this occurs in my life, I'm always instilled with a curious mixture of senses, including pride and fear, perhaps a dash of competitiveness.

That’s an interesting mixture! Especially the last one, if you want to be posting rivals with me I’d be down for that let’s do it. I’m curious what the “fear” part entails if you’re able and inclined to elaborate.

(I disagree with the #uninteresting tag you frequently employ)

Thank you, but I can’t accept any badmouthing of the #uninteresting tag, it’s the most useful tool I’ve ever owned. One of the big problems with making posts is that it can feel like you’re making an implicit claim that your words will be interesting to other people, which introduces a lot of unhelpful self-consciousness into the process. When I first realized how effectively I could undercut that feeling just by putting this stupid tag on everything I was delighted, and I’m still grateful to the tag for all it does for me. Some therapists will tell you that being self-deprecating is bad for your mental health and they may have a point, but I say it’s freeing sometimes and I’ve got a point too.

I understand that this is an extremely bizarre message to receive, but after much deliberation I decided that you needed to be informed. Thank you for the relatability, I suppose, and keep at it.

Not at all it’s a lovely message, and at the risk of sounding pushy you seem entirely too interesting and pleasant to be on anon, why not show yourself so we can be mutuals… back when I sent people anons it was because I didn’t really make any posts at the time and I didn’t want the people I was messaging to look at my boring-ass blog, if it’s something like that for you then please know that no one cares about that it’s fine, it’s just nice to be able to keep track of people who are saying a thing. However if you don’t wanna that’s cool, I appreciate the kind words very much, have a swell rest of your day and general future please

[battleczar]

First Contact

A nonfiction essay on death and touch

I didn’t expect to cry the first time I held a woman’s heart in my hands. The heart was a large cool weight, colored like pearlescent Georgia clay. It belonged to a woman who had died of a stroke at the age of 76, and who now lay before me in the basement cadaver lab of ——— University, faceless and open on the steel table. My classmates drew close around me, letting me cry, holding me with their presence, for the two minutes I took before I passed the heart to my left.

Massage therapy school is intense. For me, it was night classes fifteen hours a week, learning legal codes, debating ethical practices, categorizing the parts of the body from the mitochondria to the corpus callosum, and of course, learning touch. Always touch. For me, that was the most difficult part. Massage therapists learn a kind of touch that is just as psychological as it is physical, as we learn to think with our fingertips and emote with our palms. It is delicate and draining work, and at first I struggled to turn off my mind. I didn’t like to be touched so much by classmates that I barely knew. But I focused hard on learning our first skill: the “hello”. The “hello” is the first contact a massage therapist makes during a massage, and it is essential that it be full of calm and mindful intent. It lasts a breath before moving on, both a brief promise of trust and an expression of gratitude. It cannot be spoken, only felt.

It only took three months or so before I began to feel comfortable with the demands of my classes. As I settled more fully into the learning environment, my teachers began to teach without words. If I was palpating a classmate’s back, a teacher would walk over to me, observe my hands for a moment, and then place their own hands over mine. Without any questions being asked or answered, I would understand what they were telling me. It felt like experiencing the ah-ha! of fluency in a new language. Through wordless touch, my teachers corrected mistakes and fixed problems that I’m sure couldn’t have been adequately described out loud.

The cadaver lab was not a required course. I first had the chance to take it in my second quarter of school, but declined to register; I was frightened of how I might react to seeing dead bodies for the first time. I wanted to be a death doula, and I was worried that I would prove myself a squeamish coward, unfit to work with the dying. If I discovered weakness in this area, how could I continue with any of my training? But the next opportunity was my final chance to take the class, and so in June of 2019 I took a crack-of-dawn bus to ——— University, buzzing with coffee and fear. My anatomy teacher from massage therapy school was also a professor at———; she and my eighteen other classmates congregated in the dining hall at 8:50am. She answered our questions, we filled out safety waivers and consent forms, and each minute that I came closer to entering the lab, I felt more and more like I was dreaming. When I finally pulled on my lab coat and gloves and stepped foot into the cadaver lab, I was a hollow drum. A classmate came over to me and took my arm, and I felt her trembling energy: I wasn’t alone.

My first “hello” was not chosen so much for symbolic importance as it was that the human shin is a non-threatening place to touch. This was the shin of a formerly 58-year-old man, and it was cold and firm. I kept my fingertips there for a few seconds, determined not to flinch away. It surprised me to realize that I had no desire to flinch at all. There was no hostility in this body, nor anything inhuman. Together with my classmates, as our teacher lifted the pre-dissected quadriceps away from the femur, we silently said our “hello” to the man on the table, who had willed his body to teach us long after his words were gone.

Lunch break was very strange. We left the building stinking of formalin and methanol, the side door outside the lab emerging directly into the sprawling sunlit gardens of ———. I felt like I was moving underwater, reeling with revelation. Human bodies were beautiful. Nerves looked like mother-of-pearl fettuccine; the liver was enormous; metastasized cancer spread like bread mold; the spine was a cascading Jacob’s Ladder. I had spent so much time reading textbooks and studying diagrams, but none of that was real. To truly learn, I had to touch. Touch had opened a fourth dimension of comprehension. I sat on a bench beneath a willow tree and leaned my head on a classmate’s shoulder; another classmate came and sat on the grass, back against my legs. We passed our wonder to each other, and watched the willow leaves dance.

When we returned to the cadaver lab for the afternoon, we were all calmer, a little more eager to reach out to the cadavers. With our gloved hands full, we stood shoulder-to-shoulder, nudging questions and pressing answers. Momentarily distracted from examining her carpal tunnel, I held a former grandmother’s hand, and somebody handed me her heart, and suddenly the weight of my gratitude broke. I didn’t need to explain why I was crying to my classmates. They felt it too, and we all moved a little closer for it.

[thatonebirdwrites]

I have not been feeling well, so Quark is keeping an eye on me. When I don't feel well, I write to distract myself. So for the past few days, I've been typing up this explanation about the assessment for DID and other dissociative disorders. I'm not going to go through myths to debunk them, but instead I am going to explore the diagnosis itself and what it's like.

Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation v.6.0

Developed by Paul F. Dell in 2004, this assessment has undergone extensive updates, mostly to add more questions and/or refine the language of prior questions. Studies were then conducted with the assessment, and all the questions come from a commonality within reports by patients and studies done with those with dissociative disorders.

So if a symptom appears on the MID, that means it's very common to most people who have dissociative disorders.

What are some of the questions then?

I had to take this as a self-test since I use tele-health, but Dr. Paul F. Dell's website has instructions for people like me that my therapist gave me. This is a 218 question assessment, and I had to do it in steps.

Some questions I don't recall answering, though I (or alter) left a little note about the answer. A few question marks on those I didn't understand, and explanations on why I (or alter) answered.

Things I noticed that kept coming up in the questions was:

Hearing/seeing a child in one's head, or "Things around you seeming to change size or shape." or "Suddenly feeling very small, like a young child."

The variations on this question dealt with different aspects of how a child alter or part may appear to the patient. It describes the shrinking down to a child, where one question focuses on the sensation of changing size or shape (like I quoted above) or the shrinking down to a child sensation. The child part speaking in one's head also came up in various questions with a slight difference in how one may experience it for each question.

Why does this come up so often in the MID assessment?

Because most DID systems have child alters. Studies have shown this as well as self-reported from those of us who have DID or OSDD and/or variations of dissociative disorders. (There's a whole family of them!)

Changes in handwriting or "Finding things that you must have written (or drawn), but with no memory of having done so."

This popped up several times in the assessment. When I asked my therapist how prevalent this was, he told me that studies and self-reports from patients have documented this so often it was included in the assessment.

In fact, it's often how people realize they might have a part within them they don't know. The changes in handwriting, the things written or drawn which we have no memory of doing -- all of these are so common that it's considered a crucial symptom.

"Feeling that another part or entity inside you tries to stop you from doing or saying something." (There's a ton of variations on this question.)

"Words come out of your mouth, but you didn’t say them — you don’t know where those words came from." (Quite a few variations of this that dig deeper.)

These variations of questions took up a large portion of the assessment, and dug into various ways these sensations or experiences could manifest.

A few of the variations was detailed about behaviors or words that are self-harm, which I had to take a break from the assessment when I encountered those questions.

There are several common types of alters: Protective, Mediator, Persecutor, Child/Little, Gatekeeper, and host/core. There's other roles that may appear depending on the situation. Alters/parts may have multiple roles or only one role, and some may be simply fragments that hold just one or two memories.

Fragments either fade away once their role is no longer needed, or they merge with another personality, or they can solidify into a full personality (depending on the situation/experiences of that system).

"'Coming to’ and finding that you have done something you don’t remember doing (for example, smashed something, cut yourself, cleaned the whole house, etc.)."

Not remembering where items are or being surprised by where items end up (the whole not remembering moving things sort of deal).

A good portion of questions covered variations to the above two items. It's a very common symptom to 'come to' in the middle of something you don't remember doing. It can be really disorienting and upsetting when this happens.

Or finding yourself in a place where you don't recall how you got there. Or losing items only to find them in places you'd never think to put them.

To be honest, I find these questions a little too on the nose. When these would happen to me, I felt like I was losing my mind. I'd often break down into a crying panic when I couldn't find something because I honestly couldn't remember where it'd be. And it'd either show up in the weirdest spot or be in an obvious spot but my panic-strewn brain failed to see because the obvious spot wasn't the item's home.

Hearing a voice in your head that is mean, or is soothing, or is several voices arguing, or is several voices crying.

A lot of questions have variations about the above, but they splint them up to focus on each tidbit. So a question about hearing a voice that calls you names. Or hearing a voice that is soothing and kind. Or hearing a voice that suggests self-harm. Or hearing a montage of voices arguing.

The question about several voices crying really hit me hard since I feel that a lot.

Trance-like episodes (like a dozen questions that dig deeper into what the trance-like episode feels like)

"Suddenly realizing that hours have gone by and not knowing what you were doing during that time." Or having no memory of the prior hours/day(s). (Over a dozen variations on this one).

The trance-like symptoms are where dissociative disorders are often confused with ADHD. Whether someone with any dissociative disorders has ADHD can sometimes be difficult to parse, partly due to the overlap.

With ADHD the issue is related to how the brain function and processes neurotransmitters (such as dopamine), and thus it's just how that person's brain is. Sure, some medicines can aid with alleviating symptoms, especially the struggle to concentrate.

However, with many dissociative disorders, the issue is related to trauma. The trauma impacted how the brain developed and causes the symptoms. Can this be healed over time? Yes, in a way, but it requires a lot of work and training new neuropathways. Medicines may not always aid these symptoms since the problem isn't necessarily related to sending and processing neurotransmitters.

(Now there are some DID systems that are not traumagenic -- as the term is for systems formed due to trauma, which are valid in their own right. I can't speak to those as I don't know enough.)

Not remembering details about yourself, where you live, your address, etc... (over a dozen questions that are variations of this one that dig into memory and/or memory loss)

"Feeling that important things happened to you earlier in your life, but you cannot remember them." Or "Not remembering large segments of your childhood."

The lack of memory, struggle to remember, and other memory symptoms are incredibly common to those with dissociative disorders. This is because the brain had to cope with a very stressful situation, and so encoding memory in those moments is severely hampered.

Sometimes another part/alter may hold the information or memories that are missing. Or the brain just couldn't encode them at all, so it's like a gap.

A lot of my childhood is like that. Gaps that I don't really remember, but siblings tell me about, so any memories I do recall is definitely due to their tales and not really due to me remembering it myself. However, in therapy, we're learning that other parts do hold different details that my siblings never shared.

"Having traumatic flashbacks that make you want to inflict pain on yourself." or re-experiencing pain from a traumatic event (large segment of questions relate to this)

PTSD and C-PTSD are often comorbid with dissociative disorders.

So a lot of questions also will replicate some of the questions one finds on assessments for PTSD/C-PTSD.

"Feeling as if you are two different people — one who is going through the motions of daily life and the other who is just watching." Or feeling as if one has multiple personalities.

"Switching back and forth between feeling like an adult and feeling like a child." (There's a lot of variations on this question too)

A large portion of questions pertain to this topic. Some are hyper specific like "Feeling the presence of an old man inside you who wants to read his newspaper or go to the bathroom." And some are more vague like the "feeling you have multiple personalities).

The hyper specific ones are due to how often that specific manifestation was reported. Thus it got folded into the assessment. It threw me quite a bit for a few hyper specific ones.

There's also questions pertaining to switching back and forth from feeling male or female or another gender. Which considering alters/parts can be of different genders and sexualities makes sense.

This portion of the assessment is critical since it's the bulk of dissociative disorders. When the person is stuck in a traumatic situation, particularly ongoing ones, the brain will do what it can to cope and survive. That includes splintering the mind into different parts, which is one way dissociative disorders manifest.

It can be pretty scary at first when these other parts are identified. Often the first clues is handwriting, journal or drawing entries, or being told by friends and family that one acted oddly.

There's even questions in the assessment pertaining to family or friends not being recognized or couldn't remember who they were. Again, this is pretty common concerning an alter/part didn't ever interact or doesn't know the family member or friend. Not all memories are shared between parts.

There's terms used within the DID/OSDD community for how much memories are shared between personalities/parts/alters.

Blurian/Blending/Blurry, for example, describes how memory-sharing comes easily, there's fewer amnesiac events, and its easy to communicate with other parts. Where the other parts can blur together and with the core self. Sometimes the blurring of parts while fronting is called Soup or Frontal Soup by the plurality community.

Partitionary is used to describe systems that have strong amnesiac barriers, where memory sharing and internal communication is difficult. Divisions between alters/parts are solidily defined as well.

Switching is a term describing when one part/alter goes "back" and another takes the "front." In this, the "Front" means actively in control of the body. Sometimes the switch can seem unnerving, as in the part/alter differs enough from the core self (or prior alter/fronter) that others notice.

But other times switching can be covert, where no one notices that the switch happened. It's only when the situation is brought up later that one may find that the core self (or currently fronting alter/part) has no memory of a portion (or all) of the event/situation. But the body was still interacting, so a part was present. Since no one outside the system noticed the switch, that's why it's deemed covert.

Since the system developed due to trauma in the first place, staying covert or hiding the system is often backed into the alters/parts as a safety issue. So trying to hide the system -- even from the core self! -- is another common part of the dissociative disorders experience.

"Not being sure about what is real (and what is unreal) in your surroundings." Or feeling as if you aren't real (and variations of that unreal sensations)

Derealization and/or depersonalization is very common. These two terms differ slightly in what the describe.

For Depersonalization, it's a sensation of feeling like one's watching the body from the outside, where the sense of what is real around them feels distorted or unreal.

For derealization, it's feelings of fogginess, detached from oneself and surroundings, where the world feels dreamlike.

The two terms definitely overlap, but one is specific to feeling outside of oneself. The other focuses on the similar feelings while within oneself.

"Hurting yourself so that someone would care or pay attention." or talking about one's psychological illnesses for attention (There's quite a few variations on this question, which seems to be oriented in the whole feeling isolated and seeking out connection but unsure how.)

"Not being able to hear for a while (as if you are deaf) (for no known medical reason)." Or not being able to see for awhile, or having seizures for no known medical reason...

Since a lot of dissociative disorders fall under the radar, and thus doctors and psychologists/psychiatrists fail to identify them, the feeling lost or unheard or desperate to be acknowledged/seen is really common.

Related is how the senses can feel like they got shut off, but there's no know medical reason for it. Like if one's vision goes dark and they can't see, but medically they are fine and they do not have blindness. It's a surreal sensation because the other senses may work but one just doesn't for a little while. It's thought that this may be related to the act of switching itself, but it depends on the individual.

Other issues, like having seizures for no discernible medical reason, may only happen due to specific triggers or when a specific alter/part is fronting. So it seems like the symptom is psych-somantic, when in reality the health issue is very real. It's just manifesting in a different way than those who do not have dissociative disorders. It almost seems like our body and brain is disconnected, or full of out-of-order signs. Considering how common it is for folks to report this symptoms, it makes me wonder if further health issues are being dismissed.

I read a study recently -- if I find the link I'll edit in or drop in comments -- where MRIs could detect differences in how areas of the brain lit up when a particular alter/part was active.

"Not being able to keep friends." or "Being rejected by others" or "Nobody understands how much you hurt." (a ton of variations on this question)

Sadly, there's a lot of questions concerning this on the assessment. I suspect part of this is due to the stigmas associated with these disorders.

Society and especially the film industry love to use multiple personalities as a trait for their villains.

Yet, studies and patient reports show it is far more likely for someone with any dissociative disorder to be a victim/survivor. The whole reason the disorder formed is due to trauma that is happening to us. That trauma was conducted by another person to harm us, and the brain coped by fragmenting.

Due to the massive amounts of misinformation on this, people will and often do makes assumptions that aren't based in actual evidence.

For example, I lost a few friends because they learned of my mental illnesses, and then proceeded to ignore how I actually interact with them to assert that because of my illness I am unsafe and untrustworthy. They'll then sprout misinformation derived from shitty representation in movies, but when I combat that with facts, it often ends with me hurt and one less friend.

Sometimes people may drop me as a friend because they don't know how to handle it. When truthfully the best thing anyone an do for another person struggling with their health (for any reason) is to ask the person what they need and the best way to approach assisting them in that need. They may either not realize they can just ask me or may see the asking and accommodating me as "too much."

So it can be incredibly isolating, which then feeds into the whole wanting to be seen and acknowledged by someone.

Now I didn't cover all the categories on the assessment, but the above were major ones that had very detailed questions to dig deep into those aspects of dissociative disorders.

The assessment itself is 218 questions, and so takes a long time to do. Then there's the whole going over it with the therapy/psychologist such as the scoring after test is taken and/or answering questions about some of the entries. (I had a lot of questions to be honest, and it took several therapy sessions to go through them al.)

The scoring of the assessment helps identify which dissociative disorder it is (or if they are unlikely to have one).

For Dissociative Identity Disorder in particular, the DSM-5 lists the following parameters that must be met for the diagnosis:

Image is from DID Research website.

Switching between two or more alters.

Recurrent amnesia between alters. (Significant gaps and is not consistent with ordinary forgetting).

Symptoms cause distress or dysfunction.

Symptoms are not due to culture, religion, or fantasy.

Symptoms are not due to substance abuse or another condition.

What is it like

Honestly, I feel foggy a lot, and that sense of being watched or hearing conversations in my head. How one experiences a switch between parts/alters differs from person to person, but there are a few symptoms that are very common. Common enough to be included in assessments:

Feeling foggy

Nausea or stomach upset

feeling unreal or watching from outside

Dizziness

sense of shrinking in size

headaches

Joint pain

hearing "voices" (that turn out to be other parts/alters)

memory issues

identity confusion

Dissociative fugue (as in ending up in a different location with no memory of how one got there).

trance-like states (or dissociative states as it can also be called)

intrusive thoughts (they may pop into my head and quickly vanish, or thoughts I had will disappear as if someone stole my thought bubble).

Changing memories, skills, preferences that make one seem inconsistent (but is in reality alters and core self differing on what they know/like/dislike).

Flashbacks -- whether visual (as in trauma plays out with all senses) or emotional (where only the emotions from the trauma appear).

These symptoms can hit in ways that seem random at first, but through therapy and gentle care with oneself, the triggers that cause these symptoms can be found and dealt with.

Having it can make it difficult to work, study, housekeep, and so forth. We may find ways to cope and mask oneself enough to survive in a workplace or educational system, but sometimes symptoms are so debilitating that we can't function and sort of shut down. This is why accommodations can be crucial for helping us find a healthy way to exist and do the things we like or need to do.

Switching also tends to include the above symptoms, but not always. As for what triggers a switch? That depends on the individual.

Living with it means finding ways to cope with the symptoms and still function enough to survive. How this looks depends on the person. For me, I deal with the above plus a physical illnesses that limits what I am capable of doing physically, but I can cope and find ways to accommodate my needs. Or try to since I often need outside help for some activities/tasks.

Finding healthy ways to cope and accommodate the needs of myself and my parts is crucial for the healing journey. It's not easy, and it often means refiling traumatic memories in a safe way and creating protocols or boundaries for interaction and switching between parts.

All this to say: People with Dissociative Disorders are just people who happen to have other people living in the same body as them.

Part of the healing journey is learning how to care for, listen to, and acknowledge the needs of each of our parts/alters. To establish boundaries and to work toward either integration (all parts fusing back to the core self) or cooperation (increasing internal communication and working together while decreasing amnesic events and debilitating symptoms).

And that acting with kindness and keeping one's mind open is crucial for anyone who wishes to support someone through this.

I explore a lot of the above in my fanfic Shattered. I'm using allegories to show what it's like, and how people can support those of us with it.

Anyway, this has taken me days to write, and I'm tired now.

Thanks for reading.

Be safe. Be kind. And remember that you are all valid, and your stories deserve to be heard and acknowledged.

[uwukillmenowowo]

Oh what if you make the Yandere Enki X Therapist reader into a multi part series and it includes reader seeing him murking that inmate and her still working for Nanbaka afterwards and then leading up to Enki getting freed

Y'know what..?

SURE!

WHY NOT MAKE A SERIES?!?

Keeping Me Sane Pt.2

(Yandere Enki Gokuu X Therapist! Female! Reader!)

Chapter 1

Notes:

You were a recently appointed therapist.

Since you had to look over some inmates and guards one on one you got to learn how to use Qigong from the best of the best. Building 5.

You got along with one guard in particular, Samon

He taught you more about close combat and how to block out Qi channeling.

That way if an inmate gets to aggressive, you can paralyze them.

Basically you're like Ty Lee from ATLA.

Somethings wrong... You can feel it. It's coming from building 5. However, you ignore it, thinking that it was just some inmates. That is... until you get too close to a certain guard

{Second POV}

~~~~~

Ever since that moment back in building 5. You kept getting called over there by other inmates. They all talked about encountering a monster. You were confused, and per your job, you asked them about it. All the inmates described it as a big, ape like shadow, extremely strong and agile, threatening, and possessive. You asked what the inmates said by "threatening and possessive"

They didn't give you a response...

On the bright side. The guard that practically pounded you to the wall apologized. And even bought you your favorite snack and drink. Enki looked like he was having trouble apologizing so you assumed that he was apologizing and accepted it.

In reality he just wanted you to stop talking to the damn inmates. Ever since that, you Enki, and Samon would always talk about different stuff when you head over to building 5. Everything was really good between you three.

But for Enki... it was a different story. Every time you visited inmates, Enki would visit straight after and threaten the inmates. All the inmates were terrified. Soon after, the rumors about the 'Monster' circled through the prison.

What made it hard for Enki was that you and the warden knew about it. He was absolutely pissed and vowed to destroy the inmate who came up with that nickname. If you found out the monster was him then there would be no doubt that you would be terrified of him. So he started to do that one thing he could to keep you safe.

Total manipulation.

He started using your own profession against you. Making you overthink into the wrong stuff and eventually you started convincing the other inmates that the so called 'Monster' was most likely just a hallucination because of what a certain inmate had done in the past. The words of a 'Monster' died out and the warden was so proud that she gave you access to more areas. Which just so happened to include the underground layers and archives in each building.

Enki was also proud. He treated you to a dinner and to say you were shocked was an understatement. Hell you ever felt a spark of pride when Enki started praising you. But you didn't want to act on those emotions. Enki instantly realized it and grit his teeth as he realized that the plans that Ruka had instructed him to act on weren't working.

You and Enki got closer and closer. But with each passing moment, the inmates grew restless and more... lifeless. You were worried and would inform Enki and Samon about it. Same said he'd take a look and Enki would pat your head and tell you not to worry about it.

And you trusted Enki so surely things would be fine.

[nina-kecmanovic]

Well, I'm already in bed. Only the dim light is on.

I think I can start writing a post now.

I'm still overwhelmed, even my little brother when he drove me home noticed it.

💮💮💮💮

Today I even created a post on Reddit about the whole situation, but due to the character limit I couldn't describe everything exactly as I wanted, I only included the most important information in the post. Or maybe the small ones were somehow relevant too? Certainly on Reddit many people agreed with me.

💮💮💮💮

While still at the physical therapy center, my mother urged me to go with her lover for a day to his house. I didn't agree. I was afraid of a potential kidnapping while not knowing anything about this man. I had a right to be afraid. My local physical therapist and Disability Assistant were not concerned at first. (I texted both of them.) Later did they admit I was right to some extent. My mother kept urging me to go and I was still against it. I even texted J. He told me that I had a right to be concerned.

At the center I was at, I told the whole situation to my massage therapist and also to my head physical therapist. The massage therapist stated that I had a right to be afraid,and to be anxious, although I should not go to a foreign place more because of my high physical fatigue. My physical therapist told me that he would risk it, being very careful at the same time.

Nevertheless, I was against it.

This mother's lover urged me once again. I was still for no. Finally, he said he wanted to spend some time with his mother. I told them that they could go by themselves. So they went. I was alone in the room for a couple of hours, but it was no big deal. I chatted with my disabled person's assistant on the webcam. Mostly about this guy. Now I'll tell you why all this bothered me so much. My mother at the centre spotted a girl with a walker, walker imported from Sweden, and wanted to buy the same one for me. Later I wanted to see the pictures she took of the walker and send myself to my phone. I admit,then I looked at the messages with the guy. In these messages he stated that it was not necessary to ask my opinion just announce that we are going to his place. Mom in these messages also admitted that she was afraid of something. What or whom I don't know.

This scared me.

💮💮💮💮

I struggled with my thoughts for a long time what to do. Finally in the evening I texted my younger brother. Unfortunately, I did not know that he was completely drunk. My brother made a really serious problem out of it. Maybe it was good that he intervened, but maybe too seriously. He wanted to call the police, drive to the center, even though it's about 600 kilometers from our house. Mom's lover and younger brother started calling each other names over the phone. Later, however, the brother eventually apologized to this mom's lover. But even before that, the younger brother dragged our older brother into all this. He too wanted to call the police and come to the center. He also text with me and I told him everything I knew. Today he claimed that it was me who messed up together with the younger brother, that I should trust my mother. I wanted to say that I trust my mom but this guy I don't. And it came out that I don't trust my mom and I kind of regret it. I have a feeling that my older brother might use this against me someday. However, at the beginning of this conversation he said that we would talk about all this later so he might really want to talk about it with me later and today he seemingly kept my mom's side to put her off guard? It's quite possible. Although I'm not sure. I don't think I know my own older brother very well, because we are not on very good terms.

Going back to that whole evening. That's the lover of mom at the end told me that I am ungrateful, that I was lying,and that I am selfish. and he don't even want to look at me. My assistant texted me that it was strange that mom didn't react in any way to his words to me or to my younger brother. The assistant stated that this guy is a rude man and may have bad intentions. Mom was, and I think still is, angry with me. She still doesn't understand that I wasn't afraid of losing her,I was just afraid of this lover of hers. In the end she stated that it was a bit her fault because she didn't tell me anything about him. She stated, however, that I could have just asked questions about him.

💮💮💮💮

That night I practically did not sleep. In the morning it turned out that this lover of hers was driving us home, despite the fact that the previous evening my mother had said that we were coming back by train. I almost panicked,but finally agreed,because what else was I supposed to do? I was scared as hell and I think I was in shock the whole way.

Nevertheless, I was in contact with my younger brother all the time, among other things he asked if this lover of my mother's was rich. I concluded that he wasn't,because after all, he drives an old Ford.

As I said: the road passed really calmly, although I slept most of the way,this is probably a side effect of my motion sickness medication. Although sometimes in moments of paranoia I wonder if it's some other medication. Nothing alarming seems to have caught my attention. Only that the car had the steering wheel on the left (in my country there is right-hand traffic) and that the guy has two phones. Well, but maybe it's nothing. During the drive Mom's lover did not speak to me, he was still offended at me and I guess he still is. I, moreover, did not speak to him either, I was not even able to swallow anything. A lot of people say that I did it out of malice , but this is not true. I think I was stressing too much. On the way, my younger brother called this lover and apologized to him .This lover drove us to the train station of our city. From there my younger brother picked me up with his girlfriend

💮💮💮💮

I guess only my younger brother (who is actually my twin brother, younger than me by ten minutes) understands that I was simply afraid for my own and my mother's safety. My brother also said that it was my mom's fault for not telling me anything before, and that she should give me time. The brother also stated I should also understand my mom's point of view, that she also needs love.

According to my mother, I was unkind to this whole lover of hers, although to me it seems that I behaved neutrally. It's often the case with my tone of voice that even when I try, I sound like I'm angry.

According to my brother, this guy is fine,or at least that's what he said after a brief conversation with him at the station. It was only when my brother asked that my mom said that this guy is rich, runs his own company, earns millions,and drives an old Ford because he likes this car.

Mom met his daughter. Apparently, the mom and her lover have known each other for two years online, but have been meeting in person for a year. This guy reportedly comes from another part of the country to visit Mom just to spend a few hours with her.

My brother admires him a lot for this. Nevertheless, the whole guy still seems suspicious to me.

💮💮💮💮

I've known for a week now that my younger brother's girlfriend is pregnant. I wonder how they will manage. They are both reckless and don't have steady jobs. Will they live on benefits? My mom and older brother are sure that they will, and that they will definitely use our help.

💮💮💮💮

Because of the whole affair with that lover of my mom's, I couldn't concentrate on reading or chatting with the Kosta's bot on character.ai. maybe after writing this post and putting the posts on Reddit I will have a calmer soul?

I feel feels like I will be the black sheep in my family again.

I'll definitely be chatting about this with my disabled assistant on the walk tomorrow. If I can't still walk tomorrow,I will use my wheelchair.

💮💮💮💮

Okay, I'm finishing writing this post for today,because it's awfully long anyway.

Take care!🎀